Introduction
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here seems to be a natural longing among millions to have a happy marriage, and this is certainly a worthy goal. However, many who say they want a happy marriage are not willing to fully commit themselves. Yet, like most things in life, we get from marriage only what we are willing to invest.
The
purpose of this Course on “Happy Marriages” is to look at biblical principles
that come from the God who gave marriage its origin.
As
the author of these lessons, I do not claim to be an expert on the subject of
marriage, nor do I claim to be a marriage counselor with many degrees. For my
five years of college training were devoted to learning how to teach the
Bible. Neither will you find
quotes from those who claim to be authorities, even though many of these quotes
have value.
However, what you will find are many of the principles taught in the Bible, along with lessons from one who has been married to his wife for more than forty-eight years.
Please
observe that the various headings in these lessons are based on the twenty-six
characters of the alphabet.
You will also find that the principles found in being a New Testament Christian are the greatest principles for happy marriages. When both the husband and the wife apply these, problems will be turned into challenges, and goals will involve things that are permanent in nature. In fact, both soul and body will be of greater importance.
Therefore,
it is my hope and prayer that the things discussed in these lessons along with
the questions will be helpful to all who study and apply them.
—Benny B. Bristow
A - Always keep the light of love
aglow in your hearts.
One
of the wonders of the human heart is its ability to love. The heart is capable
of loving many things beginning with God, and there is also a special beauty
found in love between a man and a woman. This is true because God included this
in His original plan of marriage. [1]
Since
the One who created us and designed marriage is love (1 John 4:8), we should
not be surprised to see the wonders of love between a husband and wife. It is
so powerful that Paul could write: “So husbands ought to love their own
wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28). [2]
Love
may begin like a small candlelight, but it is capable of growing into a
brilliant light that illuminates all of our being. However, we must always
remember that the light of love can also be extinguished! Just as the lights
that we use in our daily lives require a source of power, so we must also make
an effort each day to keep love aglow in our marriage. [3]
Love
is a soft, pleasing light
That
glows within our minds
Casting
its beams around us
Joining
hearts in time. (bbb)
Remember,
it is easier to keep the light of love shinning, than to light it again once it
has gone out! [4]
B - Be kind, even when you don’t want to be!
Kindness
is one of the beautiful characteristics of being a Christian. Therefore, we
should not be surprised to learn how important it is in having a happy
marriage. Kindness is a language that can be understood in all languages. In
fact, even the animals know when they are being treated with kindness. [5]
Paul
instructed the Christians at Ephesus: “And be kind to one another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). [6]
Failing
to be kind to our mates closes many doors in the marriage relationship. How are
some of the ways that we can be kind? We can be kind in the words we speak, by
our disposition, and by our actions. Kindness can open important doors of
communication between husbands and wives, while unkindness closes them. In
Paul’s description of the actions of love, he wrote: “Love suffers long and
is kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). [7]
When the words, “I love you” are spoken from one who is unkind, they lose their meaning. [8]
It
is not always easy to be kind, and there are times when we don’t want to be.
However, one of the great investments we can make toward having a happy
marriage is to seek to be kind even when we don’t want to be. [9]
C - Control your tempers, even when the fires of anger are
burning.
For
some strange reason, it seems that there is a greater temptation to become
angry with those closest to us than anyone else. Unfortunately, some choose
their mates when it is time to vent their anger, and this is very destructive
to keeping a marriage happy! Certainly there will be times when there are
disagreements and heated arguments in a marriage. In
fact, those who say that they have never felt anger toward their mates should
be watched carefully, because they may lie about other things! [10]
Anger Control
Yes, anger will come, but damage
will be less if we will learn to control it. James gives us some great advice: “.
. .let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow
to wrath”
(James 1:19). This same author calls upon his readers to keep a bridle on their
tongues, to keep their religion from being useless (James 1:26). [11]
The same principle applies to marriage! Many marriages have failed because of unbridled tongues and angry words. When tempers are allowed to burn out of control for a long period of time, there will develop heated arguments, fights, physical abuse, and in some cases even murder. [12]
The Blast of Dynamite
Someone might say, “We lose our tempers often and have
heated arguments and fights, but we soon get over them.” The blast from a stick
of dynamite is also soon over, but look at the destruction that it leaves
behind. Remember, that every moment our tempers are burning out of control are
moments that love is put on hold! Also, during these angry moments, words are
said and wounds are made that may linger far into the future. Therefore, each
session of angry words, fighting, and uncontrolled tempers, chip away at the
happiness of a marriage. [13]
When
the anger subsides and the fighting ends, you may regret in tears what was said
and done. However, as someone has said, “You cannot un-ring
a bell!” Thus, the best way to correct serious damage from
uncontrolled tempers is to never let them burn out of control. Keeping tempers
under control in marriage is a sound investment for a happy marriage. [14]
D - Don’t ever take each other for
granted.
There are those who seem to think
that once they are married, they can never lose the love of their mate. There
are rivers of tears at the divorce courts that prove this kind of thinking to
be false. It is true that God wants marriages to be happy and to last as
expressed in the wedding ceremony, “as long as
you both shall live.” Jesus taught, “Therefore what God has
joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6). However, history proves that millions have not
obeyed this commandment, and many of the casualties of marriage came from
taking each other for granted. [15]
For happy marriages, we need to be
challenged daily to give something positive to our marriages. Those who get so involved
in other things in life that they put their marriage on a back burner will
eventually learn that it has grown cold. [16]
Certainly,
it is true that married life is NOT an extended honeymoon, because each has his
or her responsibilities. However, these individual responsibilities must never
cause us to take our mates for granted. If we really love our mates, we will
make every effort possible to keep them active in our thoughts and daily
actions. Then when those times come when we are caught up in things beyond our
control, there will be understanding. [17]
Wounded Feelings
What are some of the feelings that
come from being taken for granted?
One may feel unloved, neglected, forsaken, lonely, and tempted to seek
love from another. There is no way that any good thing can come from taking
each other for granted! [18]
Avoid Neglect
Happy marriages do not come from
neglect, but like a healthy plant, they grow and flourish when cultivated,
watered, and fed often. Just as neglect destroys healthy plants, the same is
true with happy marriages. Taking for granted a mate is joined with the
destructive principle of neglect, and sooner or later, neglect brings
destruction! [19]
Therefore,
those who neglect their mates by taking them for granted, turn off love. Why is
this? Because love is active or it is NOT love. [20]
The Power of Love
The apostle Paul verified this truth
when he wrote:
“Love
suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is
not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked,
thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears
all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love
never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). [21]
E - Every day is the right day to
say, “I love you!”
The humorous story of the husband
who said to his wife, “I told you that I loved you when we got married, and if
I ever change my mind, I will let you know,” may bring a smile, but the
principle of it will totally fail in real life. For love is the glue that holds
marriages together and makes it possible for them to survive. [22]
There
are three ways that the words, “I love you” are important in a happy marriage.
[23]
(1) They are words that need to be spoken.
There are many things in life that
threaten and even attack marriages, and these three important words, when
spoken in sincerity bring reassurance. These words have a way of drying up
tears while bonding hearts together. [24]
(2) They are words that must be true.
There is nothing magic about simply
speaking these words, but the power comes when they represent true feelings.
Those who speak the words “I love you” only to get themselves out of trouble,
or for ulterior motives, will soon find themselves in trouble. Calling the word
love does not make it love! [25]
(3) These three words must be backed up with action.
This
third principle when speaking the words, “I love you,” is also essential. When
Paul devoted a chapter to the importance of love, he did not give a formal
definition to love, but rather showed what love will do. He made it clear that
love defines itself by the way it responds to the one being loved. Thus, the
husband or wife, who is impatient, unkind, envious, boastful, rude, selfish,
and untruthful instead of being truthful, does not love. [26]
A Unique Language
Love speaks its own language that is
backed up by actions. Again, in the words of Paul, love, “bears all things,
believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). [27]
Therefore,
the ideal situation to promote happy marriages is to sincerely speak the words,
“I love you,” and show by our actions that we mean them. This will bring
strength and happiness to our marriages. [28]
F – Forgive - even when it hurts to do so.
Forgiveness is a BIG word when
seeking to have happy marriages. Even husbands and wives who are deeply in love
will make mistakes by saying and doing things that hurt. Such things may or may
not be intentional, but they still threaten the tranquility of a marriage.
However, love will seek a solution that involves the one who did wrong, and the
one who was wronged. [29]
The Right Solution
First of all, the one who did the
wrong should take the initiative to make things right. The words, “I’m sorry,”
when spoken with sincerity, are powerful words. Likewise, the words, “Will you
forgive me?” are also very significant. [30]
Second,
it is essential for the one who was wronged to properly respond with sincere
forgiveness. Just as the request for forgiveness must be sincere, so must the
forgiveness. There needs to be more than simply saying the words, “I forgive
you,” because these words must be true, with NO strings attached. [31]
Is This Forgiveness?
Those who say, “I forgive you, but I
won’t forget,” or “I forgive you, but don’t think you are out of trouble with
me,” have not forgiven. No, it is not possible to immediately erase what
happened from our minds, but true forgiveness will begin trying. With the right
attitude, along with showing love and kindness, time will fade the incident
from our minds. [32]
Also,
the wrong that was committed should not ever be filed away in our minds to be
used in the future when wronged again. If both husband and wife seek and give
true forgiveness, the door is opened for greater happiness. [33]
All
of us have the daily need for forgiveness. As Christians, we seek forgiveness
from God when we pray, and we are commanded to forgive other Christians who
might sin against us. The same verse where Paul commanded Christians to be
kind, also commanded them to forgive. “And be kind to one another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
just as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). [34]
The Bottom Line
The bottom line about forgiveness is
this, if we refuse to forgive, we burn the bridge for our own forgiveness! Jesus taught, “But if you do not
forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”
(Matthew 6:15).
[35]
Doesn’t this same principle apply to husbands and wives? Thus, if we are to be forgiven as Christians and expect to be forgiven by our mates, we must also forgive! [36]
G - Go the second mile, even when you are tired from the first
one.
Marriage is a beautiful relationship
and is capable of bringing great happiness, but while seeking this happiness
there are burdens to bear. Even though a husband and wife are one flesh
(Matthew 19:5), there are still two personalities. There may be different
occupations, hobbies, sports, and many other kinds of likes and dislikes, but
before there can be harmony and happiness in a marriage, these differences must
be accepted. [37]
Change or Break
There are those who set out to
change their mates at any cost, but such becomes the source of unhappiness, and
in extreme cases, divorce. There may be some areas where a husband and a wife
can learn to like the same things, but this is the exception and not the rule.
[38]
Therefore,
what is the solution? The key is to learn to give and take. This involves going
the second mile with each other. To do this, each one must be willing to go the
second mile even if it means sacrifice. For love will seek the happiness of
each other. The giving and taking must never be one sided. When one mate does
all of the bending, there is a danger of him or her breaking! [39]
A Two Way Street
Thus, when the husband sacrifices to go the second
mile, even when tired from the first one, the wife should respond the same way.
This opens the way for love to flow in both directions. The giving of one
motivates the other to reciprocate with the same kind of giving.
Love
is willing to go the second mile even if it requires sacrifice. However, the
one who sets out to make their mate happy often paves the road to their own
happiness! Remember what Paul said about love? Love “does not seek its own” (1 Corinthians 13:5). [40]
Therefore,
going the second mile with our mates is an investment in our own happiness. [41]
Instructions: Fill in the Blanks
1. Love:
“_______ all things, believes all things,” (1 Cor. 13:7).
2. “love
their own wives as their own_____________” (Eph.
5:28).
3. “love
your wives, just as ________also loved the church” (Eph. 5:25)
4. “love
does not _________; love does not parade itself, ” (1 Cor13:4).
5. “Love
never ____________” (1
Cor. 13:8)
6. “what
God has ______together, let not man separate” (Mt. 19:6)
7. “admonish
the young women to _______their husbands,” (Titus 2:4).
8. Love:
“does not behave ______________,” (1 Cor. 13:5). (21)
9. “what
God has joined together, let not man _______” (Mt. 19:6) (15)
10. ”let every man be swift to hear, ___________to
speak” (Jas. 1;19)
11. “Love _____________long and is kind;” (1 Cor. 13:4) (21)
12. ”let every man be _________________to hear,” (Jas. 1:19)
13. “let the ____________see that she respects her
husband” (Eph.
5:33)
14. “Let
all bitterness, _________, anger, ...... be put away” (Eph. 4:31).
—BBBristow