Happy Marriages
Lesson 4
Fleeting years have been
passing
Since
with love I said, “I do”
Storms
have blown into our lives
Testing
my love for you.
Heartaches
have come too
Yet
we faithfully stay together
Because
our love is true.
—BBBristow
N - Never criticize each other unless you sincerely believe
it will help.
One
of the many temptations that we face as human beings is to criticize others.
There may be many reasons why we do this, but the bottom line is that we do it,
and especially in our marriages. Since husbands and wives are together so much,
marriages become a fertile ground for criticism. [1]
How
do we usually try to justify this? As a general rule, it is labeled
“constructive criticism.” There are times when constructive criticism is
necessary, but far too often, criticism that is called constructive is
destructive. It is also a fact that criticism of all kinds often becomes fuel
for disagreements, bad feelings, and fights. This does not contribute to a
happy marriage. [2]
Why Do We Criticize?
Before
we criticize each other, we need to consider why we are doing it. We need to
ask ourselves, “Will this help or hinder the happiness of our marriage?” At
this point, it is not easy to be honest with ourselves, because the desire to
criticize may override what is right or wrong. [3]
Therefore,
let us consider why we often criticize our mates for the wrong reasons. [4]
* A Lack Of Love
Unfortunately,
some criticize their husband or wife because they do not love them the way they
should. Criticism hurts, especially the destructive variety, and true love does
not want to hurt the ones loved. [5]
To illustrate, imagine a chart with a double-headed
vertical arrow. At the top where the arrow points upward are the words perfect
love, and at the bottom where the arrow points downward is the word hate.
Somewhere between these opposite extremes marks the way we feel toward our
mates. [6]
Thus,
those who deeply love their mates are identified near the top of this scale,
but those who do not love, as they should, are marked closer to the bottom.
Obviously, where we are in our love toward each other will have a tremendous
effect on how we criticize each other. [7]
A
stronger love will be more understanding, more forgiving, and will refuse to
magnify faults. Because, this kind of love: “bears all things, believes all
things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). Therefore,
when this kind of love is present, all criticism will be aimed at helping, and
never to destroy. [8]
* To Exalt Ourselves
The
wrong kind of criticism may also come from an effort to exalt ourselves. The
battle between the sexes has been raging for centuries, but it can be very
destructive when burning out of control in marriage. The song, “I’m better than
you” should NEVER be sung in a marriage that is seeking happiness. [9]
Even
though God gave different responsibilities to husbands and wives, both are
given extreme importance. To argue about who is more important, the man or the
woman, is like arguing, which is more important, the lock or the key. The
bottom line is that one depends on the other to be of value. [10]
* One Flesh Concept
Those
who are exalting themselves above their mates have lost sight of the “one
flesh” concept that
brings oneness in marriage. When Eve was brought to Adam, he said, “This is
now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because
she was taken out of Man” (Genesis 2:23). Therefore, those who are hurting their mates with
destructive criticism are hurting themselves! [11]
* Losing The War
When
these battles are raging between a husband and wife, one may feel that he or
she is always the winner. As one man put it, “Every time we fight, I always
win!” Well, he may or may not be winning the battles, but it is sure that he is
losing the war. In fact, the divorce courts can verify this fact. (12)
However,
those who are seeking happy marriages will learn to criticize their mates only
out of love and when absolutely necessary. One of the ways to know how to
criticize is to apply the Golden Rule. Don’t ever criticize your mate in a way
that you would NOT want to be criticized. (13)
O - Oneness in mind, heart, and purpose until death
separates.
Those
who have studied about marriage from the Bible know that the original plan
called for oneness. Thus, many wedding ceremonies feature the lighting of the
unity candle to suggest this concept. However, in far too many marriages this
God given principle is forgotten and ignored. [14]
When
God authorized the first marriage, He pronounced them as one flesh (Genesis
2:24). When Jesus reflected back to this first marriage, He said, “So then,
they are no longer two but one flesh” (Matthew 19:6).
Therefore, those who ignore this principal in marriage will suffer serious
consequences. [15]
This
is not to say that there will not be differences in backgrounds, likes and
dislikes, opinions, and judgments. But it is to say that regardless of all
differences, both seek the same goals and purposes. This is the only way to
have a happy marriage. [16]
A
man once said, “We don’t have any problems in our marriage. We just go our
separate ways and do what we want to do.” This man was saying that we are
living a single life while being married. They had learned to keep their
marriage from breaking up, but they were NOT finding the happiness and
fulfillment of marriage. Also, this kind of arrangement sets the stage for a
future divorce. [17]
Mind, Heart, and
Purpose
The
oneness of mind, heart, and purpose, coupled with love, helps keep marriages
together until death separates. Without these important principles, a marriage
may stay together, but it will be for a reason other than happiness. [18]
Paul
emphasized the oneness of mind, heart, and purpose between a husband and his
wife by using the example of Christ and His church. He instructed: “Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.
So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his
wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and
cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church” (Ephesians 5:25,28,29). [19]
When
we have the goal of this kind of oneness, we will have happy marriages! [20]
P - Prepare for quality time.
Since
husbands and wives often have different jobs and hobbies, it can become easy to
go their separate ways and lose touch. A lady once said to me, “During football
season, I have to make an appointment to see my husband. When I talk to him, he
doesn’t hear a word I say!” [21]
Yes,
there are those times when it is necessary to be apart, however, this should be
kept to a minimum, and both should make every effort to spend time together.
When couples basically live separate lives, there will be greater temptations
to become involved with someone else.
A man who had an affair with a fellow worker was asked, “Why did you get involved and become unfaithful to your wife?” He
answered, “My wife was involved in her own life, and this lady was always with
me.” This did not justify what he did, but it does show how temptations arise
when couples do not spend time together. [22]
Love
between a husband and wife can be compared to coals of fire. When they are
stirred, they glow and become active. When they are neglected for a long time,
they will finally become cold. [23]
Couples
who keep their love aglow, do things together. They usually find things that
they have in common and pursue it. That which they do may be simple, such as
sharing a hobby, enjoying the same sport, planting and maintaining a flower
garden, looking for antiques, going fishing, taking vacations, eating out, and
many other things. But whatever the choices, the secret is being together. As
one lady expressed it, “We don’t go many places, but I just like being at home
with my husband!” [24]
Sometimes
it is important to do things together that either the husband or wife does not
particularly like. However, they want to be with the one they love and will
sacrifice to make him or her happy. Even if both are not thrilled by what they
are doing, there can still be happiness in being together. [25]
The
apostle Paul wrote the following to husbands: “So husbands ought to love
their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28). When both husbands
and wives have this kind of relationship, they will find the time to be
together! [26]
Instructions: Fill in the blanks
1. Love: “hopes all things,
____________ all things” (1 Cor. 13:7)
2. “seek
_______the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Mt. 6:33)
3. “you
shall love the LORD your God with all your ______________” (Lk. 10:27),
4“_________________,
love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for
her,” (Eph. 5:25)
5. “seek
first the ____________of God and His righteousness” (Mt. 6:33)
6. “For
this reason a man shall ________his father and mother and be joined to his
wife,” (Eph. 5:31)
7. “For
now we __________, if you stand fast in the Lord” (1 Thes. 3:8)
8. “___________
never fails” (1 Cor. 13:8, NKJV)
9. A
good principle for happy marriages: “Therefore comfort each _____________
and edify one another, (1 Thes. 5:11, NKJV)
10. “while we were still ______________, Christ
died for us” (Rom.
5:8)
11. ”let each man have his own wife, and let each
______________have her own husband” (1 Cor. 7:2, NKJV)
—BBBristow